Shine Muthaph**ka Shine

Some people are beacons. Some are not. It is what it is.

April 11th 2021 I was awarded this. Two weeks later it was taken from me.

It’s 3 years to that day.

I was awarded this because I earned it. I deserved it. I busted my arse for 20 years through every obstacle and prejudice you could imagine and some you can’t. And for allegations that 3 years later are still just that.

It was gone.

And while they parade alleged rapists and celebrate alleged attempted murderers on their carpets and stages, everything I ever achieved is now being discredited or ignored, because of what happened. But the above. The earning it. The deserving it, is fact.

I’m paraphrasing but someone I respect said to me a few months back .

“It wasn’t really about what you Allegedly did. It was about how you’ve made people feel. Because if you really did all that you’d have been nailed years ago and we know where you’d be now. You weren’t powerful or scary like they said, it was how you made people feel that kept their grudges burning. These journalists collected that all up and made this monster of a thing.  It doesn’t matter if it’s real or not you can’t rewrite the history that people felt a certain way.”

Obviously there is truth in that. Enough people went out of their way to harm me. Enough people really felt they needed to do this to another human being by claiming that I had hurt them in various ways different ways. We/I can argue all day about the validity. If the response they perpetuated was fair, balanced, needed. And I have thought and been haunted by this long and hard for now what is the whole 3 years.

And you know what? To this date, nobody has actually heard my side. It’s hurt me, but I’ve made sure to not put people on blast because the time and place for that will come in court. They’ve smashed my life, and they’ll do it again. You’ll “hear about me” all over again. I know that. But you’ll also hear about them.

Now I may have fallen out with some people over the years like everyone does but I know I wasn’t out here making people feel that bad, and 100% was not doing anything intentionally, out of spite or maliciously not even as a by product of being meany because I wasn’t that. No matter what the result, there is a difference between being in your car, sneezing and running someone over, than there is driving at a person to intentionally hit them. Context is everything.

Tyranny is the deliberate removal of nuance.

- Albert Maysles.

They’ve told you how aggressive I was and what a bully I was, but if you know me then you just know that’s not in my nature. It may seem it from the films, and the guarded and serious personality I have if you don’t know me. But if you do know me then you know that’s not me. Silliness maybe, over passionate about things maybe, stand my ground guy, maybe. Maybe even the guy that says the extra line in the conversation that makes people cringe, but not what was said.

Also know I was never this touchy feely person they made out. But in terms of what this person told me. They simply said I just have to accept that I made people feel a certain way.

I understand that. It doesn’t even make me near what I was called but I hear that, But also I kinda feel no! How people felt about me is also on them. My therapist says the same. How people feel about you is also on them. If you’re not a bully, if you're not targeting people. If I/you can look in the mirror genuinely, which I can. And know I was not horrible to people, then if they felt Intimidated, jealous, envious, weak, scared, nervous, put out, whatever. It’s also on them.

You have to think about who you are for sure but If they want to hold grudges for 10+ years it has to be also on them. About them. Who does that? And why? Did you kill their pets? Or worse? It has to be that level surely to do that.

I’m not perfect. Who is? And it’s fine for you to think, “But mate, 20?” but if you think I’m being disingenuous. You just wait.

I was once told when I was a teenager by this same person. (and people who are like this will understand it) I was told.

“You should be careful because you have an aura. You’re one of those people that has a tangible energy. You’re a leader. You will attract intense Love and you will attract intense Hate, but never indifference. You have the power to control the mood of a room when you walk in it.”

That worried me. For years I’d tip toe around people and not be me. Try to not offend. Not put forward my ideas. Not disagree with people. Not speak up. I would hold onto things and then fester on them because I didn’t want people to feel intimidated or less than by my energy. It wasn’t real though and one day I decided to be me.

The moment I did that. I rose up like a rocket was strapped to my back. I was free of the shackles. I could write what I want, say my opinion, put forward my ideas and be me and people that didn’t like it would tell me. At least that’s what I believed. Being me led me to all the success I had, earned, deserved. But that also caused the hate, the envy, the grudges.

Things that 9 out 10 people said and did would be magnified if I said or did it because it was me. Because of my Aura, my energy, my attitude, my “Arrogance.” which is really just utter self belief, and then later my success. Things that people bring up now, some of whom I have never met or even had a row with show me that some people have been holding on to these things, these feelings, these slights that in the grand scheme of life mean very little, and if were true, were not things that could not have been apologised for, for years.

Envy and Jealousy also plays a part, because most of what was/is said would not be given a second thought had people been doing better than me in life and careers. But sometimes for some people seeing someone they don’t like do well is just too much.

I’ve always looked at it like. I want my own version of that person doing well. Never like I wanna pull them down.

"He'd rather wish for his neighbour's cow to die than have his own cow brought back to life. It's peasant mentality".

- Juliet Butler

Anyway. My point is. Obviously never get in my situation whether true, false or otherwise. Trust me. You do not want the life shattering experience it brings. Know that you are flawed, but move the way I believed I was. Without Malice, without grudges, without hate. Just energy.

Don’t change. Be who you are. Walk in the room with all your glory. Don’t tip toe around them. Embrace your energy and as long and you are not being mean and are listening to others. If people can’t handle who you are. That’s also on them. Not just you.

You can’t “make” anyone feel anything. How they feel about you is also on them and mostly based on past traumas they may have which are not really about you. While we must all be mindful of everyone else which is exhausting, how they feel is just not your sole responsibility.

So if you’re a star. Be a star.

If you’re a supernova in a sky full of twinkles keep being that.

And shine muthaphucka Shine.